Descriptive
SHOWING NOT TELLING
In writing, there are some moments that must TELL us some details; but there are more moments when the writer needs to SHOW us those details.
Showing helps the reader see the pictures in his/her head. Once we can see the pictures, we can relate it to our lives or understand the ideas of the writer.
TELLING using too many abstract words that are hard to see. These words are like” fun”,
” large”, “sad” or “happy”. If we have to ask the writer:
why was it fun?
or how large?
or what exactly was sad about this?
or what did happy look like to you?
then there is too much telling going on in the writing.
SHOWING has concrete words that are easy to feel or act out:
“hands stuffed in my pockets”
“drippy nose”
“unbuttoning the top button of my pants”
“hate slammed into my heart”
“he barked orders at me”
Read this description of Sam True.
Sam True was very unpleasant. He did not have a reputation for honesty and he was not physically attractive. He was an inadequate employer and the way he treated his customers indicated he was not an effective businessman. The only advantage his business had was he allowed people to charge their bills instead of paying that day.
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This is merely TELLING through your writing. The reader has no definite picture of Sam True; Sam is not well defined in this description. What questions would you ask this writer about Sam which might help the writer to describe him better?
Read the revised draft of Sam True’s description:
Sam True ate cigars. He’d roll his thick lips back from his teeth; they were mean little teeth, yellow and sharp, and you would see them grinding away at the wet rope of tobacco. That was the first thing I noticed when I went to work for him —the way he chewed his cigars.
After a week in Sam True’s butcher shop, I realized he treated his customers the way he treated his Corona Corona cigar. He gave everyone the right to charge their groceries rather than paying that day. That was how he got his teeth into them. Then he ground away at their self-respect at the end of the month when it came time for them to pay their bills. They were like flies in his spider web.
When Jack McAdams widow came in with her three boys and asked, “May I have a pound of hamburger. please, on credit, ” I watched Sam raise his lips to receive a new cigar and saw his teeth snap down. I knew she’d get the hamburger today, and Sam would get a bite of her pride at the end of the month.
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This is SHOWING in your writing! Pick out the words that helped you draw this picture.
Writing Descriptively: a strategy
Making a Movie Behind Your Eyelids
What is it that we enjoy the most in good writing?
“It seemed as if it was really happening.”
“I felt I was there in the story, seeing and hearing what the main character was seeing and hearing.”
In other words, the writing is so rich in good, telling details that the writer disappears and the reader actually shares in the whole experience.
How can we write like this?
One way is to slow down the important moments by describing them fully and bringing them to life. Try this simple technique:
- Close your eyes. Concentrate.
- Imagine a scene that you wish to write about as if you were making a private movie in your mind. See, hear and feel yourself and/or your characters in action.
- Open your eyes and try to capture on the page exactly what was happening in your mental movie.
- As you write focus on bringing your movie to life by using language to capture the action, one frame at a time - rich, detailed, visual and auditory.
This is a technique that can be used for drafting as well as revising/polishing your work. CUT OUT all thin, dead description and ask yourself:
Does the language I used measure up to the images I saw in my movie?
Envision the action once again and check it against the verbs/adjectives you have used.
Sensory Description
Appeal to the five senses
Novels are vivid and easier to appreciate when readers are encouraged to touch, hear, see, smell and taste aspects of the setting. Compare these two passages:
· I knelt and touched his face. It was clear that he was dead.
· I knelt and touched his cheek. It was cold and waxy. The guy was dead.
In the second passage readers are invited to imagine what it would be like to touch a dead man’s face. They are brought into the scene, closer to the action, and encouraged to respond along with the narrator; the sensual detail evokes a more imaginable, and therefore vivid, picture. But note, too, the clipped, abrupt style: it adds to the intended effect, and helps characterize the narrator.
Here the other senses are engaged:
Sound
‘He pulled his foot free of the mud with a sound like the tearing of a cotton sheet.’ The reader is being asked to hear a specific and recognizable sound in this sentence. Another important writers’ tip is also operating here: it’s better to be specific than general. The writer might have written ‘with a sharp sound’, but there are many kinds of sharp sounds; the ‘tearing of a cotton sheet’ is a much more precise description.
Smell
‘Anna bent her head to his little neck, closed her eyes and breathed deeply of the talc, the freshly laundered blanket, his milky skin.’ This is better than ‘Anna breathed in his baby smells’, for it’s specific, tells us something about Anna and shows her reacting to her environment.
Sight
‘Just across the field from us was an oak forest, no more than a gray smudge in the endless slanting rain.’ This tells the reader what the scene looks like, and also gives information about light quality and air temperature. It appeals to other senses as well as sight: one can almost hear, smell and touch this scene.
Taste
Taste is not often evoked in fiction (unless the subject is food), but, like smell, taste is one of the most powerful senses. A windy beach scene would be more vivid if readers could taste the salt spray, for example.
Showing What You Mean With Vivid Verbs
Verbs to Beware of:
These are words that you cannot see, feel, hear or taste…so watch out for them in your writing!
All forms of:
come, get, like, do, go, make, have,
give, went, take, all forms of the verb “to be” (is, as, was, were etc)
From the verbs given below circle the most effective one to replace the underlined verb.
1. Slowly, Jae Hyub and Dong Whi moved up the steep trail.
progressed advanced struggled walked ran
2. Here and there they went over fallen trees.
vaulted hopped hobbled scrambled limped
3. Once they went across a mountain stream.
leaped climbed hiked ran walked
4. Another time they walked carefully around a deep hole.
slid circled jumped stumbled glided
5. Clouds of insects bit them.
pained followed annoyed stung hindered
6. They used their hands to keep the insects away.
waved raised clenched clapped shook
7. Suddenly, Dong Whi fell over a rock.
walked tripped stepped went crossed
8. However, he had only slightly hurt his knee.
bruised damaged hit broken soiled
Add two more words to each series of modifiers listed below:
to call: loudly, shrilly, ____________, ___________
to talk: rapidly, incoherently, ____________, ___________
to accept: willingly, eagerly, ____________, ___________
rain: piercing, drenching, ____________, ___________
egg: boiled, fresh, ____________, ___________
heat: stifling, overpowering, ____________, ___________
to eat: greedily, wordlessly, ____________, ___________
to move: deliberately, menacingly, ____________, ___________
Match these taste words with appropriate foods:
Acid chocolate-covered cherries
Sour plain white bread
Spicy vinegar
Sweet lemon juice
Bland chicken curry
Sharp khimchee
These same taste words can be used to describe people.
Pick one of your teachers and write a sentence describing his/her personality in simile style, using at least one taste word.
Name at least two things which have these textures:
Crisp: Creamy:
Hot: Stringy:
Smooth: Rubbery:
Crunchy: Gummy:
Fluffy: Iced:
Can you name one of your teachers who is one of these textures? _______________________
Find words to describe how these smells smell:
Raw onions ________________________
Dead rat _________________________
Newly cut grass _________________________
Burning leaves _________________________
Frying onions _________________________
Baby powder _________________________
What would make these sounds?
gurgle: __________________ yelp: _________________
screech __________________ buzz: _________________
sloshing: __________________ tinkle:__________________
Where Magic Happens
Everything changes when I enter the kitchen. It is a place where magic happens. There are books of potions and spells to rival those of Harry Potter. There are magic wands and cauldrons hanging on hooks on the wall. In the refrigerator sits the best treat of all. I open the door and am greeted with a frosty mist. The mist clears and there sits the chicken on which I will work my magic for dinner.
At first glance, this pale lump of yellow skin and bones appears to be too big of a job for my powers. The skin seems too big for the actual bird, making it look too ugly for any transformation. It smells of wet feathers. I will need the help from my cookbook. That book will help me put the proper spell on this deformed and smelly fowl.
The book of magical recipes tells me to take a huge pot from the hook on the wall. I am instructed to fill the pot with just one cup of pure water. From my cache of herbs, I put a pinch of basil, a dash of salt, a sprinkling of oregano, and three sprigs of rosemary. A bay leaf if left to float on the top. I take a spatula from the wall and stir the potion. It should be enough to turn a frog into a prince. I gently lower my chicken into the soup, set it over the fire of the stove burner, and place the lid on top. I set the timer for 60 minutes. It will take that long for the potion to work it magic. I can be patient.
The “bing” of time informs me that it is time. I knew it would be soon because of the tantalizing smells like ambrosia floating through the house. The smell is like expensive Chanel perfume. It is like a blooming white lily. I gently lift the lid and my nostrils are overwhelmed with delicious herbs. By the smell alone, I know the taste will be one I will never forget. I stir the broth, and take a tiny sip from my spoon.. My tongue tickles with the mixed tastes of salt and herb and chicken flavor. It will be a fine dinner tonight.
Thus the magic of the kitchen happens again, and I was the Merlin in charge of that chicken’s metamophisis.
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What extended metaphor ties the whole descriptive writing together?
List the words the writer uses to create this extended metaphor:
List the similes found in this writing:
What sensory details are in this writing? Write the words of phrases the writer uses for:
seeing
hearing
smell
touch
taste
Are there any allusions in the descriptive writing?
Which paragraph is the introduction? Which paragraph is the conclusion?
Can you find any other literary language or literary devices the author uses?
How does the title help the assignment?
List the vocabulary words which are new to you.
The Game
“GIIIRD-LAA, GIIRD-LAA, GIIRD-LAA.”
“Whumphf”
And it flies off into the sparkling sun, spinning towards the goalposts.
But it’s gone too far, missed the net, and his opponents’ fans are up. Pimply teenagers, weather beaten old men, women, kids —- all screeching fanatics —- all on their feet cheering and clapping. They’ve done their job. Played their part in the weekly ritual. With their jeering they’ve successfully put a young player off his game and saved their team two valuable points.
The whistle blows, the ball is in, and the hard fought conflict is on again. Individual differences are forgotten under the colours of the teams. Old are young, meek are strong, all are united. One team battles it out against the other in the grandstand. It’s a match of wit and passion, of insults and physical threats, but curiously it rarely comes to blows.
On the grassy hill the smell of beer and chips overwhelms. No one can tell who is going for who. All that matters is that you are yelling your lungs out:
“Are you blind or something?”
“Where’d you learn to ref’ ?”
“Off sides? OFF SIDES? Ya got to be kidding!”
“Get your rule book out ref’.”
An old lady leaps from her wheelchair, waving her blanket in the air as her favorite player goes crashing over the line. She can barely see the scoreboard through her inch-thick glasses, but she knows she’s in front, and there’s not long until the full-time hooter.
A group of boys come sprinting past her on their way to the goalposts, desperate to touch the ball as it zooms through the uprights. Leaping over fans, scattering bags, chip cartons and other debris as they go. They burn with the idea that they must touch the ball. Oh, to touch that ball!
A father whisks a bundle away as they thunder past and holds it high. It is almost unrecognizable as a baby girl under the layers of jersey, beanie, scarf and the other team gear. She looks more like a flag. Her father seems to think so too and waves her in the air as Number 12 swings his foot.
The ball sails high again and the flags are up.
This time the hecklers don’t get to Girdler, and he grabs back the two points he lost to them earlier. The stadium is ringing with his name as his two precious points are posted on the scoreboard. This time it is his own supporters singing his name:
“GIRDLER, GIRDLER, GIRDLER.”
by William McLean
1. What scene is the writer describing?
a. a football game b. a track meet c. a basketball game
2. Using a colored pen/pencil or marker, UNDERLINE the words that tell you the scene the writer is describing.
3. Who is Girdler? ___________________________________________________________
4. What does the crowd do at the beginning of the story?
a. Make the opposition goal kicker miss the goal
b. Encourage their goal kicker to get the goal.
c. Cheer the goal kicker for kicking a successful goal.
5. What does the writer mean when he says: “Individual differences are forgotten under the colours of the team?
a. The supporters of the two teams forget they are on opposite sides once the game begins. They are friends.
b. The supporters of one team are all equal at the game regardless of their backgrounds. They are not united with the other team.
6. Which sentence in paragraph 5 suggests that the writer is part of the crowd he describes.
__________________________________________________________________
7. There are many action verbs in the story that help to create an interesting picture (imagery) of the scene. Using a different coloured pen/pencil or marker, CIRCLE these.
8. The images in the text relate to all five senses : vision, sound, smell, touch, taste.
List 1-2 words under each heading which would be an example for each
VISION SOUND SMELL TOUCH TASTE
Which two types of images are used most? __________________________________________
__________________________________________
What is VOICE? How can I add a distinctive voice to my writing?
Voice is many things: individuality, perspective, expressiveness, sensitivity to the audience, enthusiasm for a topic, confidence – and much more. Voice reveals something of the writer; the stronger the voice, the deeper the revelation.
Whose voice is it?
- I am not so much for family gatherings. You sit there and the conversation’s so boring, so dull, you start to fantasize. “What if I just got up and jumped out that window?” Just crashed right through it. Come back in, there’s broken glass, everybody’s all upset… “No, no, no, I’m all right. I was just a little bored there. I’m fine now. I’m ready to hear a little more about your fine porcelain collection, Aunt Rose. Let’s pick it up right there.”
- You have to have strong eyes to paint good, and your hand must not shake like a leaf on a tree, for you must fill a chicken’s feather with paint and draw a line as straight as a spear.
- The history books say Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves. It is true that he signed a document called the Emancipation Proclamation, which established the legal precedent for freedom. But to give all the credit to Lincoln omits what the slaves and free blacks did for themselves- and the nation. Ultimately, no one can free anyone else. You have to free yourself. Somebody else can unlock the door and can even push it ajar, but they can’t walk through it for you. You have to do that.
Secrets for Success with Voice
Be Yourself - Fingerprints on the page. Immediately identifiable.
Match Voice to Purpose - a mystery story around the campfire has a very different voice from a business letter.
Think of your Audience - Who are they? Write right to them.
Read - When you get stuck, whip out one of your favorite books and let the voice wash over you. Now write. Write as though you were writing to that author. Feel how naturally your own voice flows.
Think of Everything as a Letter - Almost nothing can match the voice of a good letter. So imagine you are writing a letter even if you are not.
Excerpted from the collection of the Great Source Education Group, Inc.
Opening Sentences
Ø If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like…and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth.
Ø I am an invisible man.
Ø A throng of bearded men, in sad-colored garments, steeple-crowned hats, intermixed with women, some wearing hoods, and others bareheaded, was assembled in front of a wooden edifice, the door of which was heavily timbered with oak and studded with iron spikes.
Ø I was not there, yet I was there.
Ø Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board. For some they come in with the tide. For others they sail forever on the horizon, never out of sight, never landing until the Watch turns his eyes away in resignation, his dreams mocked to death by Time. That is the life of men.
Ø One January day, thirty years ago, the little town of Hanover, anchored on a windy Nebraska tableland, was trying not to be blown away.
Writers suggest that you try to make the beginning of your story fit one of the following categories:
v “The Plunge” - begin in the middle of the action or use exciting dialogue, e.g. “Yesterday afternoon the six o’clock bus ran over Miss Bobbit.”
v “The Intriguing Narrator” - arouse the reader’s curiosity by describing something unique about the narrator, e.g. “I am an inmate of a mental hospital.”
v “The Promise” - tell the reader something miraculous/exciting/scary which they will read about in the story, e.g. “The madness of an autumn prairie cold front coming through. You could feel it: something terrible was going to happen.”
v “The Particulars” - overload the reader’s senses with detail, e.g. “An hour before dawn on March 7th, 1974, Kaspar Joachim Utz died of a second and long expected stroke, in his apartment at #5 Siroka Street, overlooking the old Jewish Cemetery in Prague.”
v “The Profound” - begin with a ‘deep’ or controversial statement - e.g. “It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.”