Advice

How to Write a Really Bad Essay

• Never state the point of your paper anywhere in your writing. The purpose of your essay should be your secret. Remember: audiences like a good mystery.
• To keep things lively, write about several completely different subjects in each paragraph.
• Begin your paper with “In this essay, I will write about…”
• Never write anything from your heart; always write what you think your audience wants to hear. If it’s been said a million times before, it must be right. Your original ideas are not important and will be ridiculed.
• Never check the dictionary for the meaning or spelling of a questionable word. As long as it’s close, no one will notice.
• Use big words instead of little words. Why use confuse when you can use discombobulate? Similarly, always use an impressive-looking French word in the place of a much more understandable English word. It will make your readers think you have savoir-faire.
• Use lots of fillers like “In today’s modern society…” It will make you seem very intelligent.
• Only name the person(s) or thing(s) you mean by “he,” “she,” “they,” “them,” or “it” once at the beginning of the paper. Your audience should be smart enough to be able to figure out those things thereafter.
• The longer the sentence, the better. If you can cram seven different thoughts into one sentence, do it.
• Switch verb tenses quite often to avoid getting into a rut. It’s good to start in the past, skip to the present, and then take a nostalgic journey back to the past.
• Commas are just weak periods, use them in the same way.
• Use lots of exclamation points!! They remind your readers that you really mean it!!
• Never revise what you have written. Your first draft is always your best draft.
• Give in to the fact that you are a bad writer and that you will never become a good writer. Proper state of mind is vital in creating a really bad essay.
• Never, ever, visit the DAA Writing Center in the Secondary Library, to sign-up for an appointment with a tutor/teacher.

Adapted from The Writing Center of Bay de Noc Community College

Getting Started…

How can I get started on a writing assignment?

FIRST…

v read the question/topic

v choose your topic/focus

v make a mind map

Ø brainstorm ideas

Ø gather information & research if you have to

Ø use different colors if you want

Ø talk to a friend

This is called radiant thinking because it allows your mind to branch in many different directions and make connections without worrying about how you will organize your writing (yet). Think of this as a “brain dump.” It may be messy but you’re capturing all your ideas

NEXT…v organize your ideas v make an outline or a list v put your ideas in order v add new ideas v review the question/topic v write a clear thesis/main idea

Introduction Main Idea #1 - details - details Main Idea #2 …

This is called linear thinking because it helps you to consider the order →→→ of your ideas. You will need to organize your ideas in a specific order to start drafting.

AND THEN…

start writing! (make sure to save your drafts on the computer for later revising and editing)